


Back in the 90's

by teennplantt



Series: Back in the 90's [1]
Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Breaking The 4th Wall, Cheating, Divorce, Feelings, Humor, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love, M/M, Sadness, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-19 05:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22905706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teennplantt/pseuds/teennplantt
Summary: Back in the 90's Herb and BoJack get married in order to save Horsin' Around. Present day BoJack relays what it was like being married to the love of his life to Diane in order to finish his memoir. He tells the entire story. Warts and all.
Relationships: BoJack Horseman/Herb Kazzaz
Series: Back in the 90's [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653787
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Back in the 90's

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in one day, and it shows. sorry if it's rushed, but i really was in my feelings and wanted to get it out there

"Divorce papers?" Bojack stared blankly at the manila envelope Herb had placed in his hands. 

"I already put sticky notes where you need to sign," Herb announced proudly. "Thanks for everything, BJ. I owe you one." 

"I don't understand." 

"The show's over, buddy. Time for us to move on with our lives," Herb folded his arms. "Get to signing. I don't have all day." He handed Bojack a pen, and Bojack let it slip from his slackened grip. 

"You're kidding, right?" 

"No, I have to meet with my agent for lunch. I really don't have all day." 

"That's not what I meant," Bojack looked up at Herb, his eyes already glossing over with tears he knew he couldn't shed in Herb's company. "You want a divorce?" 

"Well, yeah, you didn't really think we'd be together forever, did you?" 

"Yes, Herb, when you asked me if I wanted to marry you, I kind of assumed you meant for life!" 

"There's no need to yell." 

"I have every right to yell! You used me to save your ass. You forced me to stand up to Angela when you were basically canned, and you tricked me into thinking it all meant something to you!" 

"C'mon, you don't really think anyone was gonna buy that you were just standing up for a friend. I had to make it believable, so I asked you to marry me." 

"But we..." Bojack's throat went dry as he thought about all the wonderful years he'd gotten to spend with Herb. "But I love you." 

"That's what made it so believable," Herb pat Bojack on the shoulder. "Don't be upset. Think of it as an opportunity. You can broaden your horizons, do what you want with you life. I don't care." Herb's watch beeped, and he groaned. "You can just take those home. I really gotta run. Thanks again." He hurried out of his office, and Bojack's tears finally fell. 

\---

"So it was all a lie?" Diane asked, and Bojack nodded before pouring himself another drink. "Aren't you angry?" 

"I wish I was. It'd make sense for me to be angry, right? You think I'd wanna slash his tires or break his nose, but all I really wanted was for him to love me. Sometimes I feel like he was the only person who ever could love me, but I was wrong. He was just using me to save his career." 

"That's too much, man," Diane smiled softly, trying to muster even a small chuckle from Bojack, but he only continued to stare at the bottom of his drink. 

"Do me a favor, and don't put that in the book," Bojack sighed. "I don't wanna ruin Herb's reputation." 

"How can you sit there and continue to protect him? People deserve to know the truth, and you should be the one to tell them." 

"I love him, and if this book hurts his reputation, he'll never forgive me. I know it's stupid and pathetic, and maybe I'm stupid and pathetic, but I don't wanna do anything that would jeopardize even the chance of him coming back." Diane wanted to tell him that Herb was never coming back, and even if he did, Bojack couldn't take him back after all the pain he'd caused. But she thought staying silent might be the better thing to do for her friend. 

"Okay...so then what happened?"

\---

Herb came home after his meeting with his agent and hung his coat on the rack beside the door. "Honey, I'm home," he called out jokingly. Bojack startled at the sound of Herb's voice, and he quickly picked up his used tissues and discarded them before Herb could find him in their bedroom. Bojack felt a pit at the bottom of his stomach. He was torn between hoping Herb would come find him and wanting to be alone. 

"Herb," he finally got off the bed and went into the kitchen. 

"You didn't sign them," Herb stood at the counter and looked over the papers which Bojack hadn't even had the heart to glance at. "BJ, I know this is hard. It's hard for me too, but I think this is for the best. You're still young-ish, and you'll find someone who wants to be with you." 

\---

"That was the part that hurt the most," Bojack said. "Having to hear him admit that he never wanted to be with me." 

\---

"But I want you," Bojack protested. "Please, Herb, don't do this. I know I haven't always been the best husband, or person, but I can change. And deep down inside me, I know there's good, and you're the only person who ever saw that." 

"I don't think you're a good person, even deep down. You're damaged, and you did a good thing for me. But it's over now. Time to let go." 

"What about the ten fucking years we were married?" 

"What about them?" Herb asked. "We had to stay together as long as Horsin' Around was on." 

"You didn't have to lie to me. Herb, I would've done anything for you, and you couldn't just let me in on it?" 

"I had to make sure there was genuine emotion. No offense, but you're not getting nominated for any Oscars anytime soon. You're just a sitcom actor."

"Why are you trying to pretend like what we had wasn't real?" 

"Because it wasn't," Herb said. "It never was." 

"It was to me! You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and now I'm just supposed to go on living my life without you?" 

"Yes. Have those papers signed by tomorrow morning, okay?" Herb placed a hand on Bojack's arm. "You're the best, BJ." He leaned in and pecked Bojack on the cheek. 

\---

"Holy shit," Diane's eyes widened. 

"That's not even the worst of it," Bojack shook his head. "The worst was all the fighting. At least when he still felt like I did him some kind of favor, he wasn't trying to hurt me." 

"He did mean to hurt you, though. He lied to you for years." 

"I didn't see it that way. He still loved me as a friend, and that felt better than knowing that he hates my guts." 

"But he doesn't have any right to be angry with you." 

"Emotions don't always make the most sense. Can we be done for today? I'm not really up to talking anymore."

"I wanna hear about the good parts of your relationship, though. For the book. We can put some of that in, right?" 

"There's no point. Every time I think about Herb, even the good parts of our relationship, it just hurts." 

"Then why did you start talking about him?" 

"Because you asked me about my divorce, and I said 'Okay, Diane, let me just open the world's largest can of worms and pour out all of my feelings for some fucking book I don't even care about writing!' Don't you think that if I gave a shit about this book, even a little bit, that I'd have written it by now?" 

"Well, writing can be hard sometimes," Diane said. "I'm here to help you. Whether it's writing your book, or working through your feelings, I wanna be here for you." 

"Why?"

"Because deep down, I do think you're a good person, and good people deserve a happy ending." 

"What if I get my happy ending, but I'm still miserable? Everything I've ever wanted, I've gotten, and then I still felt like shit, so I tried to destroy it. And now I ruin everything I touch." 

"You were happy with Herb, though, weren't you?" 

"That was the only time I ever was, and it was a lie. So that just goes to show you that whatever you think you deserve in this rotten fucking world, you don't deserve anything. Because you're worthless." 

\---

"You're not worthless, BJ," Herb cupped Bojack's cheek and kissed him sweetly. "We all make mistakes, but it'll be okay. We'll get the set cleaned up." 

"I love you," Bojack took Herb's hands in his own. "I don't know what I did to deserve you." 

"I love you too," Herb squeezed Bojack's hands before leaving to go help the clean up crew. 

\---

"Goddamnit! I said I didn't wanna talk about Herb," Bojack snapped himself out of the memory he'd been relaying. 

"I'm sorry," Diane set down her laptop and stood. She walked around the desk so that she stood directly in front of Bojack. "If it helps, I don't think you're worthless either. I'm sorry about everything, and I don't know what to do. But I wanna help you." 

"I miss Herb."

"Then let's go see him. He still lives in Malibu, right?" 

Bojack didn't know why he agreed other than the fact that he wanted to see Herb, so badly that it hurt. He got in his car, with Diane in the passenger seat, and he drove. He still knew the way to his house, what had been their house, because he'd driven there a few times while wasted. He'd never possessed the courage to actually go knock on the door, though. He was afraid that Herb would slam the door in face, or tell him one more time that he hadn't meant anything. All he wanted was for Herb to tell him that he loved him. That he mattered and that he was important.

Bojack made it to the interstate, and his palms began to sweat, having nothing to do with the fact that it was another sunny one-hundred degree day in Hollywood. The idea of seeing Herb again after all these years both delighted and frightened him, and the fear made him want to turn the car around. Part of him knew this would be a mistake, but like all the other mistakes he'd made, he decided to plough forward anyway. He turned on the radio to be distracted from his increasingly paranoid thoughts, but Diane clicked it off again. 

"I still wanna hear the rest of your story," Diane said before Bojack could snap at her for turning off the radio. "Why haven't you spoken to Herb before now?" 

\---

"It's time to go. We're gonna be late," Herb shook Bojack awake from where he'd passed out on their couch with a bottle of whiskey. 

"I'm not going," Bojack rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. 

"We can't film without you, so you have to get up." 

"Tell them I'm sick." 

"Look, if you wanna lay around all day and feel sorry for yourself, you can do it after you've moved out." 

"Why can't you just love me?" Bojack sobbed brokenly into one of the couch cushions. "Am I that much of a worthless piece of shit?" 

"BJ, I didn't know how to tell you this, but there's someone else," Herb sighed. "And I didn't think it would matter since our marriage is a sham, and we're getting divorced, but I'm in love for the first time in my life." 

"Who?" 

"Don't be mad." 

"Who?" Bojack repeated. He turned to face Herb, and Herb could see the tears threatening to spill out of the corners of his eyes. "Just tell me who, goddamnit. You owe me that much!" 

"Dave." 

"Your agent?" Bojack shouted. 

"I knew you'd be upset, which is why I didn't tell you. BJ, me and Dave have a real connection, and you and I have nothing in common. The only reason you think you love me is because I'm the only man you've ever been with." 

"No, the reason I know I love you is because you're the first person I wanna tell when I get good news, and you're the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about when I go to bed. When I wake up next to you, I smile and pull you a little closer before going back to sleep. You're the only person who has ever made me feel like I'm worth a damn. We built a life together, and you're everything to me." 

"That's how I feel about Dave." 

\---

"Wow, sounds like Herb is kind of a scumbag," Diane frowned. "None of that explains why he'd be mad at you, though." 

"I'm getting there. It's kind of a long, painful story." 

"Okay, sorry. I'll be quiet." 

\---

"I don't understand how none of that can mean something to you." 

"It does," Herb shrugged. "In a way." 

"What way?" 

"It's flattering, but awkward because you can't force me to return those feelings. You wouldn't even want me to pretend I love you like that."

"Well, you've done a damn good job of it the last ten years. Herb, don't leave me, please," Bojack sat up and grabbed Herb's hand. "I need you. Just keep pretending. It's okay. You can even cheat on me with Dave, if you have to." 

"Wow, that's kind of pathetic," Herb stood and let Bojack's hand fall away from his. "Get dressed. We don't have time for this, and you better have signed those papers." 

\---

"Bojack," Diane placed a hand on Bojack's knee comfortingly. "I'm really sorry. This was probably a bad idea. Let's just go back to your house. You shouldn't see Herb again." 

"Why not? Because he's a douchebag that ruined my life, and I'm still desperately in love with him?" 

"Well, yeah." 

"It's too late, Diane. I intend to get some goddamn closure over one of the million shitty things that's happened to me since I appeared on this earth. Besides, this was your idea, so if it all goes south, that's on you." 

"But wait, so Herb was just mad at you because you wouldn't sign the divorce papers?" Diane asked. 

"I wish." 

\---

"You have to sign them eventually. Either that, or I'm getting a lawyer, and we can fight this out in court. I tried to be the good guy here-" 

"You're not the good guy! You're a very bad guy!" Bojack interjected. "You convinced me to marry you to save your job, you lied to me for years and pretended to love me, you made me fall in love with you, and you cheated on me! You suck, and I'm suing you for everything you own!" 

"You idiot. Everything I own is everything that you own." 

"Yes, because we're supposed to be together, and I don't know how you can't see it." 

"I don't love you, BJ, and I never did. We're not supposed to be together." Herb got out of the car and went into the studio. Bojack watched him walk through the doors, and he knew that he should follow. But he couldn't. He couldn't do the show that he loved because everything about the show was drenched in memories of Herb. Maybe Herb was right. He was pathetic. 

Bojack finally went inside the studio and got ready to shoot their last episode. 

"You nervous?" Sharona asked as she applied his makeup. "You look nervous." 

"Herb and I are getting a divorce," Bojack sighed. "Don't tell anyone, yet please. It's a lot to take in." 

"Yeah, I know. I caught him with his agent in his office one time. About four years ago, and he begged me not to tell you. He said you wouldn't care because your marriage was a sham to keep him from getting fired off the show." 

"Goddamnit, did everyone know my marriage was a lie except me?" 

"You didn't know?" Sharona's face fell. 

"Found out yesterday. Wait he was with Dave four years ago?"

"Yeah, just about. Probably longer," Sharona finished with his makeup. "I shouldn't have said anything. Why don't we meet up after work and get a drink? You probably don't wanna be stuck in that house with Herb." 

"That's the thing, until yesterday I never felt stuck. I thought we were happy, and now he's saying if I don't sign the divorce papers, he's going to a lawyer." 

"You want my advice? Let him. Make that son of a bitch burn." 

\---

"But that's the thing is I wasn't angry, and I didn't wanna make Herb pay for everything he did to me, even though he deserved it." 

"So you signed the papers?" 

"No, just listen." 

\---

They finished filming the finale of Horsin' Around, and as soon as the director called cut, Bojack disappeared to his dressing room. He curled himself into a ball on the floor, and cried until his head hurt too badly for him to cry anymore. It was really over. The show. His marriage. Everything he'd ever wanted was all going up in flames, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. His husband, whom he loved so dearly it was destroying him, had been cheating on him for nearly half the time they'd been married. And none of it was ever real. None of it was worth it because it was all just pain. 

There was a knock at the door, and Bojack couldn't muster the strength to tell whoever it was to go away. The door opened cautiously, and Sara Lynn stepped into his dressing room. 

"Are you sad about the show?" she asked. 

"Yeah," Bojack nodded. He forced himself to sit up, and Sara Lynn sat beside him on the floor. 

"I'm gonna miss you, Bojack. A lot." 

"We might see each other again. Maybe we'll get the chance to work together again someday." He put his arm around Sara Lynn, and she gave him a hug. 

"I hope so." Bojack didn't realize until she pulled away that she was crying. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Now I have to go back to my mom," Sara Lynn sniffled. "I don't really have a dad, but you're kind of like a dad. I never got to say goodbye to my real life dad, but if I had, my guess is it'd feel like this." 

"Shitty?" 

"No," Sara Lynn shook her head. "I feel better now." 

"Oh." 

"I mean, it still sucks, but at least we got to say goodbye. You didn't just leave me." 

"I'll never leave you, Sara Lynn." 

"I know. Because we're family, and family sticks together. Well, anyways, I'll see you around." Sara Lynn stood and left Bojack's dressing room. 

Bojack got changed into his clothes and packed up the rest of his belongings. Typically he looked forward to the end of shootings because he got to go home and spend time with Herb, but as he got into the passenger seat of their car, he just felt empty. Herb started the car, and the drive to their house was silent. 

"I'm gonna ask you one more time to sign those papers," Herb sighed once he'd shut off the car. 

"I can't," Bojack said. "It hurts. It all hurts so much, and now I know it's never going to stop. Why can't I just be enough for you?" 

"Maybe it's God's cruel irony, but you ever notice how nothing is ever enough for You?" 

"You are. You were always everything to me." 

"I'm sorry. Sign the papers." Herb went inside, and Bojack followed him only to spend another night getting drunk on the couch. 

The following morning Bojack had no reason to get up, so he didn't. They weren't working on Horsin' Around anymore, and Bojack didn't have any other projects. He grabbed a bottle of liquor off the floor and decided to start his day off with a stiff drink. 

"You're up," Herb smiled when he walked into the living room. "Good." 

"I didn't sign the papers." 

"I know," Herb sighed. "I contacted my lawyer. You should probably get one too." 

"So that's it then?" 

"Well, not officially. BJ, I've been thinking a lot, and I know this can't be easy for you." Herb sat down on the couch beside Bojack and ran a hand through his mane. "Do you wanna have sex one last time?" 

\---

"You didn't," Diane's jaw dropped. 

"I did." 

"Why?" 

"Because I loved him, and I wanted to be with him. I couldn't stand the thought of giving him up, but it just felt like when we were filming the last episode of Horsin' Around. It felt great in the moment, but afterwards, all I could do was cry. Turned out the only reason he asked me was because Dave cancelled their date, and he wanted to get back at him." 

"God, he's an asshole." 

"Yup, it went on like that for a long time. Just us not speaking to each other, meeting with our lawyers, building cases against each other, and then meaningless sex. Well, meaningless for him, as with everything." 

"Why did you let him hurt you?" 

"I thought maybe one day he'd change his mind, and then it all would've been worth it." 

"And did he?" 

"Of course not." 

\---

Bojack walked up the courthouse steps and held the door for Herb and his lawyer. He couldn't help but admire the way that Herb's suit fit him in all the right places. He looked even more beautiful than the day they'd met. Bojack sat beside his lawyer, and Herb approached their table. 

"BJ, no matter what happens here today, I'll never forget everything you did for me. I love you." 

"Fuck off," Bojack spat, and Herb's eyes widened. "Weren't expecting that, were you, asswipe? That's right we're going after the boat." He high-fived his lawyer, and the judge entered the room. Everyone stood from their seats until the judge called for them to be seated.

\---

"So you were mad at Herb?" 

"No. I can't really explain it. It was like suddenly everything that he'd done to me, he was going to be held accountable for, but I didn't care because that doesn't undo all the shitty things he's done. And I guess I felt like I was looking in a mirror because I've hurt so many people, and even when I try to do the right thing, it doesn't make up for the fact that the damage is done. So no, I wasn't angry at Herb. I saw myself, and I was angry at me." 

\---

Bojack's lawyer, Al, stood to give his opening remarks. Followed by Herb's lawyer, whose name Bojack couldn't remember, but he had an impressive beard, so Bojack called him Beardy. 

"We'd like to call Mr. Kazzaz to the stand," Al said. Herb stood from his seat and took the stand. "Mr. Kazzaz, I'm to understand that for over half of your marriage to my client, you were engaged in an affair to another man. Is that correct?" 

"Yes." 

"How long did the affair last exactly?" 

"Eight years." 

"And when you were caught with your partner in your office on the set of Horsin' Around, did you then bribe one of the makeup artists into keeping quiet about the affair to Mr. Horseman?" 

"Yes," Herb cleared his throat awkwardly. 

"How much money?" 

"Five-thousand dollars."

"Why did you propose marriage to Mr. Horseman?" 

"I was in danger of losing my job as a writer for the popular television show, Horsin' Around, and I thought that if I could convince Bojack to marry me that he would help save my job. My work is the most important thing in the world to me, and if I'd lost my job, I probably would've killed myself." 

"Did you ever tell Mr. Horseman that you only intended to marry him to further your career?" 

"No, not until I told him I wanted a divorce. Your honor, Bojack drinks constantly, and he's cruel towards me and the other people that he claims to love. There's no evidence that suggests that he even can love me, or anyone else. He's broken, and it wouldn't surprise me if he was severely psychologically damaged. He needs professional help." 

"Beardy, your rebuttal." 

\---

"You know you're getting this all wrong, right?" Diane interjected. "I mean, none of that is how a divorce court works." 

"That's how I remember it," Bojack shrugged. "It's not important to the story, so why don't we just move on? And if it bothers you so much, you don't have to listen." 

"Fine, fine, you're right." 

\---

"Mr. Kazzaz, isn't it true that Mr. Horseman frequently brought alcohol onto the set of Horsin' Around?" 

"Yes." 

"And when child actress Sarah Lynn drank some of this alcohol, Mr. Horseman paid off one of the makeup artists to take the fall for him?" 

"Yes." 

"Do you remember how much money Mr. Horseman gave her?" 

"Five thousand dollars." 

"Apparently Sharona's got a price, amiright?" Bojack laughed inappropriately, and Herb gave a small chuckle. 

"Did Mr. Horseman frequently drink to excess before your marriage?" 

"Yes."

"And when you were married, did you ever try to convince him to quit?" 

"Multiple times." 

"And Mr. Horseman frequently used recreational drugs throughout your marriage as well, correct?" 

"Yes." 

"No further questions, your honor." Beardy took his seat and buttoned his suit jacket smugly. Herb left the stand, and Bojack sighed as he stood from his seat. He took the stand and looked out over the small crowd, mostly other couples awaiting their trials. He didn't envy them. He made eye contact with Herb, and his gut twisted. 

"Mr. Horseman, what do you have to say about the tremendous heartache you experienced at Mr. Kazzaz's doing?" 

"I don't really have anything to say about it. It hurts. A lot, and I stopped at Jack in a Box on the way over here even though you didn't want to, Al. And the woman there asked me if I was having an awesome day, which sucks because then it's like I'm the bad guy if I'm not having an awesome day. Usually when people ask me if I'm doing okay, the truth is I'm doing shitty, but I don't usually have a reason to be doing shitty, so I just say yeah, I'm doing fine. But today when the woman asked me if I was having an awesome day, I said no, I'm doing shitty, and when she asked why I said my husband is leaving me. And she gave me a free churro," Bojack said. "My husband is leaving me, and I got a free churro, and even that sucked because that's all I got. I used to think that maybe one day, my pain would be worth something. Apparently it's only worth a buck fifty. I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that I love Herb a lot, and he means the world to me. I'd do anything for him even now, and to find out all of that was a lie sucks. But I got my free churro." 

"Do you think you deserve some sort of grander reparation for Mr. Kazzaz's wrongdoings?" 

"Honestly...no. We've all caused pain in other people's lives, and we're all left with the question of what the fuck do I do now to make up for it, but the truth is there's nothing you can do. Sometimes pain is just pain, and I think we're all meant to go through a little pain in our lives." 

"Beardy, anything to add?" 

"No, your honor."

"Then everyone can take a seat. We'll meet back here after a brief recess to discuss the outcome of the trial," the judge banged his gavel. "Adjourned."

\---

"I thought it would hurt more," Bojack said. "Part of me wanted it to hurt more, but it was like when I broke my arm playing soccer. It hurt when it happened, but by the time I got to the hospital, I couldn't feel anything. And by the time I was ready to get my cast off, I just wanted it to be over. I think I'd already made my peace with the fact that Herb never loved me, and he never will. And now I'm alone, just like I was born, just like I'll die. Anyways, we're here. Thanks for listening." Bojack unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car to stretch. He no longer felt his nerves tingling in his every movement, and as he stepped up to the door, his last thought was of running away. 

"Bojack?" Herb pulled open the door. "I never thought I'd see you again." 

"Herb? Jesus, you look like shit." 

"I have rectal cancer, you ass." 

"Oh, fuck." 

"Yeah, so did you come to dance on my grave? Because you're a few weeks early." 

"No, I just...wanted to see you. I've been writing this book-" Diane coughed behind him. "Okay, she's been writing this book for me, and it's about me. And she asked me about my divorce- our divorce, and I miss you. This is Diane, by the way. She's been writing my memoir." 

"Hey," Diane waved awkwardly. "I've heard a lot about you." 

"Then you must not be a big fan," Herb snorted. "In BJ's version, I'm not exactly a hero." 

"You did cheat on me for eight years, marry me only to further your career, and then divorce me as soon as you possibly could." 

"You robbed me in that trial!" 

"You dragged Sarah Lynn into that trial! How is that fair to her or to me? It's not like I handed her the vodka and said 'here, kid, try some of this!' Ugh, why did I even come here?" 

"I don't know, BJ. Why did you come here?" 

"Because I still love you. You're the only person I've ever loved, and I know our marriage was a sham. But it meant a lot to me, and before that we were best friends. Do you think we could give things a try for real?" 

"No." 

"Wait, no?" 

"No," Herb said. "I just don't feel that way about you. I'm sorry to have to tell you that again." 

"Oh, okay." 

"Goodbye, BJ." 

"Can we come in?" Bojack asked. "I've had to pee for like three hours." 

"LA traffic, right?" Herb chuckled. "Yeah, come in." Bojack stepped past Herb and headed for the bathroom. As soon as he stepped inside the house, he instantly regretted it. He should've just stopped at a rest stop to avoid the memories from flooding back to him. 

"So, Diane, what unfortunate circumstances have led you to be in Bojack's orbit?" 

"I'm a ghostwriter, and Bojack was having trouble writing his memoir, so he hired me to help him. Can I ask you a few questions, actually?" 

"I don't see why not." 

"Great," Diane took a seat on the couch, and Herb sat down beside her. 

"So you wanna know why I did it? You wanna hear me say I'm an awful person, and that Bojack deserved better than me?" 

"Well...yeah. I know Bojack's not the best person, but he does love you." 

"Bojack's more selfish than I could ever be. Would you trust him to save your career without you having to push a little?" 

"I guess I wouldn't." 

"Exactly. I had to make him think it was real so he had more motivation to help me, and I know that I hurt him. But he hurt me too." 

"So what's your side of the story?" 

\---

"Breaking news story, writer of the beloved 90's television show Horsin' Around, Herb Kazzaz arrested in a sting operation for public indecency. He was found fornicating in a public restroom with another man. Why did we need to specify that it's a 90's television show? This is the 90's. Who wrote this script? Randy, I'm looking at you." 

Herb scrubbed a hand over his face and turned off the television. He had very little time to make this right, and he had to act fast. If he lost his job on Horsin' Around, he had nothing left. He had finally achieved his dream of running Hollywood with his best friend, and he wasn't going to give it up without a fight. He just needed an edge, something to make sure that Bojack wasn't going to screw him over. He knew that if he walked, they actually had a chance at getting Angela to listen to them. 

Herb sighed and put his hand on the doorknob of Bojack's dressing room. This was going to be a doozy of a favor he had to ask. 

"BJ," he grinned widely. "How the hell are you?" 

"Uh...Herb," Bojack frowned. He'd only just gotten off the phone with his agent, and he'd all but been offered Secretariat. He knew that Herb's latest scandal was poison for his budding acting career, yet he couldn't turn him away. 

"I'm gay," Herb announced. 

"No doy," Bojack scoffed. 

"And I know we haven't exactly been close these past couple years." 

"I'm gonna hold back my 'no doys' because I feel like there might be a lot of them." 

"It's because this whole time I've been fighting my feelings for you." Herb knew he was no actor, and he was sweating anxiously. "I love you, BJ, and I wanna get married before it's too late for us. I know this is a lot to ask, but I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Bojack Horseman, will you marry me?" He got down on one knee and pulled a small velvet box from his jacket pocket. 

"Yes," Bojack responded without thinking. He knew it was crazy, but it was the kind of crazy that just might work. "Herb, I've loved you since the moment we met. I was just waiting for your idiot ass to catch up." Herb laughed, mostly in relief, as he slipped the ring onto Bojack's finger. He stood and pulled Bojack into a kiss. 

\---

"You didn't have to start all the way at the beginning. I already knew you and Bojack were married." 

"It's important that I explain my reasoning. It humanizes my decisions, so you don't think I'm a lousy piece of trash who hurt your friend," Herb explained. 

\---

The alarm clock blared on Herb's nightstand, and he shut it off only to be greeted by the morning newscast. "It's another beautiful day in Hollywood in 1999. Don't know why we needed to announce the year since everyone knows what year it is, but Hollywood's favorite couple, Herb Kazzaz and Bojack Horseman, are still in the throws of their passionate relationship despite having been married for three years now." Herb sat up and rubbed his eyes before shutting off the alarm clock altogether. 

"BJ," Herb yawned as he shook Bojack awake. "C'mon, it's time to get up." 

"Five more minutes," Bojack groaned. 

"No, we've got a special episode to film today since Horsin' Around hasn't been canceled yet due to the fact that the original writer, me, got to keep his job." 

"There's no need to recap. I'm living it." 

"And it's all thanks to my amazing husband," Herb leaned over to give Bojack a kiss on the cheek. "I'll make the coffee, but you get up and get dressed." 

"Fine," Bojack huffed. He forced himself to get out of bed and start getting dressed. When he finally staggered out of the bedroom, he was nearly ready to go. 

"Why don't you say we make these coffees Irish?" Bojack pulled a flask out of his jacket pocket and poured a very generous amount into his coffee. 

"I wish you wouldn't," Herb sighed. "I need you to stay alert on set today." 

"I'm fine. It's just a couple shots to get the blood pumping." They left their home and went to the studio. Herb drove, and Bojack was attempting to drink his weight in vodka the entire ride to the studio. When they finally arrived, Bojack was too drunk to even get to his feet. 

"Goddamnit, BJ, you're hammered!" Herb snapped. He hadn't realized how much his husband had managed to drink in such a short amount of time. 

"I feel great," Bojack slurred. "Let's make the show. Hey, this isn't the bar. I need to fire my assistant." He hiccuped. "All good, see?" 

"No, you're not all good. I'm taking you home," Herb huffed. He drove back to their house and called the studio to announce that they wouldn't be able to make it to set that day. 

\---

"Seems like you're still a scumbag for cheating on Bojack. I mean, I know that he drinks a lot, and I know that he can be a handful. But you're the one who agreed to love him. Forever, and all you did was lie." 

"It wasn't just the drinking," Herb coughed loudly, and his nurse brought him his medication. "It was...everything. He's emotionally exhausting. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have to be your partner's parent?" 

"Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone and have them constantly reject you?" 

"Bojack brought all of this on himself! I didn't deserve half the shit he put me through." 

"Maybe you shouldn't have married him, then! If you see someone as such a burden maybe you don't bring them further into your life." 

"Isn't that what you're doing? I mean, you're writing this book for him, and he's your friend. Aren't you sick of his attitude? The way that he constantly looks for ways to blame his problems on everyone except himself. He's the problem. He's poison." Before Diane could think better of it, she launched herself across the room and tackled Herb to the floor. Bojack heard the calamity from the bathroom and ran out to see what was going on. 

"Diane!" he gasped before running to pry her away from Herb. "What're you doing?" 

"Serving my own brand of justice," Diane spat. "He's so shitty. You don't deserve him." 

"Diane, please." 

"It's true. He's selfish and cruel, and he's hurt you so many times you've probably lost count-" 

"He's me," Bojack interjected. "I'm the asshole. I'm a jerk to anyone who's stupid enough to care about me, and I use the people in my life and screw up my relationships so that I have something to point to when people finally leave me, and I can say 'it's not me. I'm not the bad guy. They left because of this.' But it's all bullshit because he's right. I'm poison." Diane's face fell, and Herb erupted into laughter. 

"Even your self pity is a joke." 

"Herb, I'm sorry for everything I did to you when we were married. I know I had a shitty way of showing it, but I do love you. I'm sorry for drinking all the time and never listening to you and pushing you away to the point where you had to find comfort in someone else and so many lies I've told that I've actually lost count and ruining the show, which was the one thing you really cared about." 

"Okay, I don't forgive you." 

"Oh," Bojack frowned. "Okay. Then I guess this is goodbye for the last time." 

"Feel free to drive by my house next time you're drunk. I might be dead, but at least you still have your self-pity." 

"I guess so. Can I take this?" Bojack held up a photo album he'd found in Herb's bathroom.

"Take whatever you want. Hell, take my Vitamix. I paid 600 bucks for the thing, but I won't be using it, since I'm gonna be dead." 

"Juice runs the media," Bojack joked, and Herb smiled softly at that. He turned away from Bojack, and he and Diane went back to the car. 

"What's the photo album for?" Diane asked. 

"It's our wedding photos." Bojack opened the album and flipped through the pages. "It's the last time I was really happy."


End file.
